Fowl's 11
by Claire Violet Thorpe
Summary: Written to the tune of George Cloney's Ocean's 11, Artemis, Harry, Jacquel, Charlie, and several others pilfer historical items from a cruel villian. crossovers with Harry Potter, Charlie Bone, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and the Chronicles of Narnia
1. Ides of March 15

Title: **Fowl's 11**

Author: Jacquel Carey

Date Started: March 15, 2006

Summary: Artemis and his group set out to rob several cruel villains. A spoof of _Ocean's 11_ with crossovers with Harry Potter, Charlie Bone, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and the Chronicles of Narnia.

Setting: London, England; Paris, France; Moscow, Russia; New York, New York

People/Parings: Artemis/Holly; Jacquel/Fred, Harry/Hermione, Ron/Luna, Neville/Ginny

Genre: Mystery, Action/Adventure, Humor/Parody

Rating: PG-13 for language, teens behaving badly and robbing banks, scenes of violence

Warning/Spoilers: none; crossover with several other stories

Disclaimer: Stay back, humans, I own nothing but this story!

* * *

Artemis Fowl had seen better days.

Within the last few years, he had been involved with Holly Short of the LEPrecon and they did a number of things, such as find and rescue Artemis's father (also named Artemis), stopped a goblin rebellion, and saved the world on a number of occasions. But it was now time for both human and fairy to take a long break.

But not for Artemis. Ever since he had acquired Holly's eye (and she had gotten his) Artemis discovered that he could do magic. The only people who knew about this were him, Holly, and Butler, for Artemis had no interest in sharing this information with his family. Being a half-fairy had its perks, asArtemis could do magic. And magic can come in handy during a fight.

Yet, there was no one for Artemis to talk to about fairies or magic. Or anything for that matter. He had just happened to be a genius, but no teenager ever spoke to him. Not that it bothered him; he had a certain person that he liked to annoy whenever he was bored.

It was none other than Harry Potter, the famous boy wizard. Not only was he famous for taking down the Dark Lord Voldemort (whom even the fairies feared), Harry himself had to be rescued by Artemis on a number of occasions whenever Artemis came to town. And Artemis especially enjoyed bother Harry's friends Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Jacquel Romanov, and Neville Longbottom as well.

But one day, Artemis found himself packing his bags. His mother Angeline (worried that her oldest son wasn't spending any time with anyone his own age, save for harry and his friends) was sending him to her English half-brother. Artemis frowned as he and Butler sat in his room eating sandwiches the night before he was to leave. "I don't know if this English uncle will even like me," Artemis said.

"Why wouldn't he?" Butler asked.

"Butler," said Artemis, "I am suspossed to be a criminal mastermind, not a vacationing idiot."

"Perhaps you can find those friends of yours," said Butler.

"I see," said Artemis. "Perhaps I will make them remember why I save their butts on a number of occasions and yet they haven't done a single thing for me."

Buth then he had an idea. "Why don't I MAKE them do something for me?" he said.

"Artemis," Butler began to say, but Artemis continued, "I shall gather them together and then rip off the Dark Lord, Opal Koboi, and any unfortunate idiot who dares to cross our path!"

To be continued in the story called _Fowl's 11_.

* * *

Author's note: This is my first foray into writing Artemis Fowl fanfiction. I thought of this idea whenever I thought of _Ocean's 11_ (the George Clooney version) and I thought _if Artemis Fowl happens to be a criminal genius, why wouldn't he get with a bunch of other people and raise some hell, like robbing a bank_?

And the issue with Harry is that I've written a number of stories that have Artemis saving Harry and his freinds on a number of occasions when the wizarding gang gets themselves into deep trouble. Most notably is when they are stuck in Middle Earth during the War of the Ring and they all take part in that as well.

So here you have a story that might change your perception of everyone's favorite criminal mastermind...if Eoin Colfer hasn't done that already!


	2. Meet the Characters

And now for the characters:

1. **Artemis Fowl** is a criminal genius who is in the middle of yet another plot when his mother, Angeline, decides to send him to his relatives for the summer.

2. **Butler** is Artemis's guardian; he goes with Artemis on his vacation and tries to keep him out of trouble.

3. **Harry Potter** is the famous wizard who took down Lord Voldemort; however, he constantly needs to be rescued by Artemis whenever he comes to town.

4. **Jacquel Romanov** is one of Harry's best friends; yet she discovers that she's secretly related to Artemis in a not-so-good way...

5. **Draco Malfoy** is Harry and Jacquel's archrival; he's in for a surprise when Artemis shows up as well as an unexpected sibling.

6. **Charlie Bone** is a student at Bloor's Academy looking to get away from the Bloors and the Yewbeams, who he dislikes. But when he meets Artemis, Harry, Jacquel, and Draco, he sees an opportunity that is too good to pass up.

7. **Klaus Baudelaire** is 1/3 of the Baudelaire orphans who joins Artemis and his gang in order to stop Count Olaf once and for all.

8. **Edmund Pevensie** is one of the future kings of Narnia who gets lost on his way to meet with the White Witch and meets Artemis and his friends.

9. **Ron Weasley & Hermione Granger** are also Harry's best friends, and they go with Harry when he is dragged into Artemis's schemes.

10. **Neville Longbottom **is Jacquel's best friend; when Jacquel is roped into joining Artemis, Neville reluctantly agrees to go with her.

11. **Holly Short **was once a LEP until she met Artemis. Now she's part of his crazy scheme (_not unless he roped her into joining him as well_!).

* * *

So there you have met the main players in this story. They (_and several others_) are going to not only rob a bank, but they are going to shake up the world as well...

But in the next chapter, we're going to start at the beginning...I mean years before the story takes place...


	3. The Death of Abraxas Malfoy, or “Oh, wha

And so the story begins!

* * *

Chapter 1: **The Death of Abraxas Malfoy, or** "_Oh, what a tangled web we weave_!"

At the same time, Draco Malfoy frowned as his mother Narcissa told him that his cousin Artemis was coming over to spend the summer with them. To him, that was nothing compared to the news that his auburn haired, silvery green-eyed and much wealthier arch-nemesis Jacquel Romanov was found out to be his half-sister. It had made him angry to no end.

Artemis himself frowned as he tried to remember the last time he was in England: _it was a few months after he was born. Grandfather __Abraxas __Malfoy__ was dying of dragon pox and wanted to see Artemis before he died. His son Lucius __Malfoy__ was there, too. He disliked Angeline Fowl and rejected Artemis. His son Draco was a month old and little Jacquelyn Claire was little more than a newborn. The old man smiled as he stared at his 3 tiny grandchildren._

_"I am content and pleased to see them," he said. "I shall give them my blessing. And Miss Jacquelyn is the first Malfoy female born in over 68 years and so I shall present her with a special gift."_

Jacquel Romanov fingered the strange charm she always wore around her neck. Her cruel guardian, Nichollo Trichenberg, didn't know about the charm she received from her dying grandfather, or he would have taken it from her. Jacquel remembered how she had come to getting that charm: _Abraxas smiled as he placed a knotted charm around the infant girl's neck. "That charm belonged to my Great-Aunt Mercia Malfoy, who gave it to me just before her death." Lucius smiled as he looked upon his baby daughter. "She knew that there would come a time when another Malfoy female would be born."_

Butler frowned, remembering what had happened next in this chapter: _Then Abraxas said to Artemis, "You must be Artemis the Hunter. May you hunt down all your enemies." He then presented the small boy with a charm. "This gift I have received many years ago," said the old man. "He once said it was known to give you good luck. That is what the eldest of my grandchildren needs. The power to stop his enemies and hunt them down." Angeline said nothing but took the charm._

Narcissa sat in the limo at the airport. Draco was with her. She then thought about what had happened next: _Abraxas said, "And here's our little prince. My dear boy, you are nothing more than the next Malfoy heir. I shall present you with the Malfoy family ring."_

_"He is too young for it," said a servant._

_"But this is my grandson," said Abraxas, "and I know that I may not be here for much longer. Better to give him the family ring now than to wait until years after I am dead." He presented the ring to Lucius and said, "He shall receive this ring on his 14th birthday and not a moment before. For he is the one who will change the course of our family. He and the girl."_

_"And what of that boy?" Lucius snapped as he looked at Artemis._

_"He will be among those whose destiny is intertwined with your children," said Abraxas, "and if you or Angeline should have any other children..."_

_He choked and fell back on his bed. He then said, "Bring me the children!" At once, 3 servants placed the children in his arms. The old man said, "I give thee my blessing: may all the years in your life be filled with luck, good fortune, and happiness, and may each of you be shielded from misfortune. Artemis, Draco, and Jacquelyn, you three are now the hope of our family." _

_And with that, the old man died._

Artemis and Holly chatted. She said, "It can't too bad, Artemis."

"Like how?" said Artemis. "After my grandfather died, my uncle couldn't look mother in the eye anymore. He called her out for marrying a muggle and she in turn called him out for fathering his "Dear Little Jacquelyn" out of wedlock. Aunt Narcissa wasn't too happy about that at all, so she stopped talking to Uncle Lucius. And Mother took me and left for Ireland after Grandfather was buried."

"Well, that can't be good if your mother faought with your uncle and aunt when shey should be mourning your grandfather's death," said Holly.

"And why she's making me go back to England I'll never know," said Artemis.

After the plane landed, Artemis went to the parking lot, where his aunt and cousin were waiting. No words or hugs were exchanged, only a place to sit. "She still hasn't forgiven your mother for calling her husband out," said Butler to Artemis.

"And he's still mad at her for marrying Father," said Artemis. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave!"

"Woven indeed," said Narcissa, "and I thought I told Angeline to leave your brute of a nanny at home."

"And good day to you too, ma'am," said Butler.

The car took off and instead of Malfoy Manor, it was heading towards the hills. And those were where the castles of the pureblood wizarding families lived. Already at Malfoy castle was Jacquel Romanov and her two child comapions, Pammy and Chutney Trichenberg. Lucius had gotten them from Nichollo after a 30-second fight and some threats. Jacquel was sitting by the window and when Artemis walked into the castle, two small children knocked him over.

_I'll never get away from small chidlren or will I_, Artemis thought to himself as he thoguht of his twin brtohters myles and beckett.

"Pammy! Chutney!" a voice called them back. As Artemis looked up, he saw Jacquel staring down at him. She said, "you act like you've never seen me before in you rlife."

"I have," said Artemis. "You were a baby then. And then those crazy adventures in Middle Earth. And me having to save your butt on a number of random occassions..."

"And now you're all back where it all began," said Lucius. "And now to tell you all of your destiny and your grandfather's final wishes."

* * *

I know you're all saying, "_Took you long enough_!" but I wanted to write this earlier but last weekend, the site was being retarded and wouldn't let me log in; I was so mad. But now that it's working once again, expect more chapters to churn out quicker than normal.


	4. The Pains We Experience

Here comes chapter 2!

* * *

Chapter 2: **The Pains We Experience**

To this day, Artemis Fowl would never know what made him decided that he would plain and simply rob a bank.

He had been sitting in the sitting room frowning as Lucius explained to the children how and why their grandfather died when they were no more than small children. Artemis had remembered the fight his mother and uncle had, and why it led to him not seeing any of his relatives for many years.

That idea came to him the moment Lucius had said: "Draco, Jacquelyn, you are my children and the heirs to the Malfoy fortune. But your grandfather Abraxas Malfoy decided that he'd take part of your inheiritance and give it to his bastard daughter Angeline, who has no right to it or even to bear the Malfoy name." Artemis glared at his uncle, but he said nothing. "However, my dear little Jacquelyn Claire is the first true Malfoy female, and yet a Romanov as well. But she must never know of the pain and suffering her family had to endure, even after her birth and her mother's eventual death."

After that meeting, Lucius had servants show his children and nephew to his room. As soon as he was in his room, Artemis blew up. He shouted, "How dare he mocks my mother and dehumanizes her by flaunting his own bastard daughter in her face!"

"Artemis," said Holly. "He didn't exactly flaunt Jacquel and insult your mother."

"But still, said Artemis, he had no right to deny her the right to the Malfoy name and fortune!"

"But then again, he did," said Mulch as he crawled out of Artemis's bag, where he had been hiding. "And besides, Jacquel isn't the kind of person who goes around boasting about having her father's money in her back pockets."

"In short," said Holly, she hates him."

Meanwhile, Draco yelled, "How can you even invite that idiot here?"

"Look, Evil Faith," Jacquel snapped. "Artemis is my friend. So I'd watch what I say about him."

"You better watch what you call yourself at that," Draco snapped.

"I'm not a Malfoy!" Jacquel yelled. "I'm a Romanov through and through!"

"And yet they couldn't even keep your grandfather safe from all who abused him, even killed him," snapped Draco in turn.

"That's enough, children!" Lucius snapped. "Draco, there will be no insulting of your sister. Jacquelyn, you will never again use the words "_evil_ _faith_". Do I make myself astronomically clear?"

Butler said, "Well, Artemis, do remember that your mother and uncle aren't on speaking terms and your cousin may or may not get along with you."

"But Jacquel does," said Mulch.

"That's because she doesn't remember anything about the fight that destroyed the family," said Artemis. "And she's damn well lucky too."

Holly shook her head. She said, "Artemis, she doesn't know anything about herself and she hates her family. Be careful that you don't anger her even more."

Artemis sighed. But he could make no promises. Not as far as Jacquel was concerned.

That night at dinner, Artemis sat nervously as the rest of the family ate dinner (_or in Jacquel's case, never showed up_). Drraco sat there glaring at him. Narcissa spoke to Lucius, sometimes turning her head to glance at Artemis. Butler sighed and thought _the meals at home are much happier than the ones here._ And he was right. The Fowl family seemed to be happier and neither he nor Artemis could ignore it. But Artemis himself refused to take part.

Jacquel had taken dinner in her room; she refused to even consider dining with the Malfoys, not with Draco and her still at each others' throats, Narcissa with her death glare, and even Lucius, who plucked her from her rather pathetic and stupid guardian and horrible life to live in a home and family that she had hated and rejected for the last 3 years of her life.

Artemis knew he had to say something now or else. He said, "So, what's the deal with my mother?"

"Your mother?" Lucius smirked. "Well, I have not been honest with you at all about her, or have I? Anyway, your mother isn't even a Malfoy, she was only that because my father admitted to being her father, not that anyone else couldn't have claimed her. Angeline's presence upset my mother greatly."

"And about Jacquel?" said Butler.

"_Jacquelyn_, sir," said Lucius. "Not _Jacquel_ or whatever the hell that pathetic man placed upon her; why would he deform my child's name?"

"I was only asking what's her story?" said Artemis. "And if you wanted to hear what I think, which I know you don't, I'd say she's even more stubborn than that mother of hers," said Narcissa.

She then said, "Lucius did upset me when he claimed to have fathered another child besides Draco, but I did forgive him after he mentioned the name Irene Romanov as the mother of said child. But Jacquelyn was born early with the deaths of Irene's mother follwing…"

"Why not her father?" said Butler.

"No one liked Paul because of his deformity, and he had several mistresses and other children, of only 3 survived. Irene was upset by that and she stopped speaking to her father but the time she discovered her pregnancy," Narcissa said.

"And…" Artemis said.

"That happened around the same time my father, your grandfather, was dying," said Lucius. "He had me bring Jacquelyn to him, for he knew that she was the promised female Malfoy that he had hoped to see before his death."

"And what was Angeline to him?" Artemis snapped.

"Nothing more than a cow who nearly destroyed our family," said Narcissa. "She was angry that Lucius would parade his daughter around, claiming that "_Dear Little Jacquelyn_" was the true Malfoy daughter and that Angeline was a fraud."

"And she almost destroyed my marriage," said Lucius in turn. "She humiliated me by claiming that my Jacquelyn was a bastard born from an impure union. Jacquelyn was the daughter I always wanted and she was nothing more than a delight. But Angeline nearly ruined everything by exposing so many shocking things about me that I lost my daughter, I almost lost my career, and my wife nearly left me."

He looked at Artemis and said, "That's why we weren't in contact. Your mother flaunted her own marriage to a man who I thought was nothing more than a criminal whose end I could foresee. But she wanted nothing more to do with me. She took you and left after your grandfather's funeral and I was happy to see the back of her."

Little did they know that Jacquel had been listening the whole time. She had stood by the door and gasped in horror as her suspicions about Lucius were finally made clear. Lucius Malfoy was indeed her father; there was no doubt about that. He disliked her grandfather, Paul, like most wizards had. He also boasted that she had been the promised Malfoy daughter, even if she refused to admit that she was a Malfoy. After all, she and Draco never got along and she always made up mean jokes about Lucius.

Lucius smiled and said, "I see you, Jacquelyn. Do come and join us for dessert." Immediately, servants came and brought out plates full of pie. But Jacquel was no pie eater, and so a large slice of chocolate cake was brought out and placed beside Lucius's plate.

Jacquel hesitated before walking to the table and eating the cake. Her face was red with embarrassment. Lucius said, "Now do you know why you are here?"

"To convert me to your evil faith ways?" Jacquel snapped in response.

Lucius chuckled and then said, "You are here because this is where you belong. You may claim to be a Romanov and you have every right to do so, seeing as your mother was one herself and her father was a member of the Romanov family, but you were born as a Malfoy."

"And that means…I'm an _evil faith_?" Jacquel cried out in horror.

Laughter rang supreme for a few moments. Jacquel turned even redder with embarrassment and Artemis glared in anger. Finally, Lucius said, "You are a Malfoy and my "_Dear Little Jacquelyn_," and you should not forget it. I don't know what that Dumbledore had in his mind to label you both as a Romanov and an orphan, but you are neither. And it's time for you to put away your orphan fantasies and grow up as a Malfoy." Draco frowned at the thought of having to have his most hated enemy as his sister. Artemis said nothing at all.

That night, Holly said, "I heard the whole thing."

"And your opinion is," Artemis began.

"While Lucius is nothing more than a pompous old bloke who foolishly paraded his daughter around, your mother had no right to overreact like she did."

"Indeed," said Artemis. "And since when was she a Malfoy? I've never heard that story before."

Mulch said, "I've gone through the Malfoy family vaults…"

"Mulch," Holly looked at him sternly. "Have you been stealing again?"

"Me? Steal from the Malfoys? Goodness no!" cried Mulch, trying to appear innocent. "I was only looking for important information, such as whether or not Artemis's mother was a Malfoy."

Just then the phone rang. Foaly was on the other end, yelling, "Holly? How long do you plan to have me online?"

"Foaly?" Holly cried out. "I'm sorry; I was a bit occupied."

"More like _talking to Artemis_, methinks," said the centaur. "So what do we have on his mother?"

Holly smiled and said, "We do have something on Angeline. She was born in London into a rich family, the Mortimers. But was she really a Mortimer or a Malfoy? We don't have sufficient proof."

Foaly then said, "hold that thought, Holly; I've just received something I think she needs to hear."

"Like what?" cried Holly.

"Dumbledore made up some ridiculous claim saying that Paul Romanov is NOT the father of Irene Romanov," said Foaly.

"And if Paul isn't Irene's father, then that means Jacquel isn't really a Romanov, or is she?" cried Holly.

"Well," said Artemis, "what we do know are the names of her parents and grandparents. And if our so wonderfully esteemed Dumbledore would make a claim like that, I'd say he's hiding the truth somewhere. Like in a bank."

Just then, a devious thought came into his mind. He was going to break into that bank and find whatever papers Dumbledore had to back up or dispute his claim.

"Artemis Fowl, what are you thinking?" cried Holly.

Artemis said, "I'm thinking about robbing a bank."

Mulch jumped out of his seat. "Good for you!" he said. "I'd love to help rob a bank."

Even Foaly was in on it. He said, "Yes, Artemis. If we can find wherever he's keeping that information and expose it, people will start scratching their heads."

Holly was angry. She couldn't believe that Artemis was thinking about crime once again and that Mulch and even Foaly were on board with it as well. She said, "Are you guys nuts? We can't just simply rob a bank! Not after Artemis has decided to go straight!"

"Not just straight, but straight into sending someone straight to jail," said Artemis.

"But Artemis," said Holly, "what would Commander Root say?"

They all paused, wondering what the late Commander Root would say to them all. Holly shuddered, thinking about the words that Root would be saying to her right now.

Finally, she said, "Ok, fine. I'll do it, but I won't like it."

"Very good choice," said Artemis. "But we won't be alone in this venture. We're going to be needing the subject of this controversy to go along with us."

Meanwhile, the subject of this controversy was sitting in her room, upset and humiliated and angry at the same time. How could they lie to her like that? How could Lucius laugh while not realizing that she was in pain after suffering for many years and being forced to believe that her father had been dead all the time she was growing up.

Very soon, Artemis came to her and said, "How's about we go on an adventure?"

"No, Artemis," Jacquel snapped. "No more adventures. Weren't the trips to Middlearth enough?"

"Not this time," said Artemis. "This concerns you too."

"Explain why?" said Jacquel sternly.

"It's your family," said Artemis. "Something has to be done about your family."

* * *

Ok, so we have another, "_Took you long enough_!" but I was a bit too occupied with my Harry Potter/Twilight crossover fic (highly recommended that you read it) and also, some of my other fics were being neglected, so I had to get them out of the way. More to follow…(line taken from **Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code**)


	5. A Hunt for a Red October

Chapter 3 has arrived!

* * *

Chapter 3: **A Hunt for a Red October**

_Very soon, Artemis came to her and said, "How's about we go on an adventure?"_

_"No, Artemis," Jacquel snapped. "No more adventures. Weren't the trips to Middlearth enough?"_

_"Not this time," said Artemis. "This concerns you too."_

_"Explain why?" said Jacquel sternly._

_"It's your family," said Artemis. "Something has to be done about your family."_

To this day, Jacquel Romanov would never know what made her decide that she would go along with Artemis's plans to rob a bank.

She said, "This had better be worth my time, Artemis Fowl, or so help me, I'll reveal to EVERYONE what happened to us while we were in Middlearth!"

"Oh no you would NOT!" snapped Draco. "You wouldn't want Freddy to know that you have a guy who kisses the ground you stand on!"

"Shut up abut Jan, you Glorious son of a bleeding goblin-eating worm!" Jacquel screamed.

"Remember that you yourself are the daughter of a salivating lobster-headed platypus!" Draco replied in kind.

"Will you two stop with those nasty insults?" cried Foaly.

"No," said Mulch. "I enjoy hearing what their saying."

"Shut up, you Great bastard child of a bulbous reptile-brained goblin!" yelled Draco.

"That is enough, all of you!" cried Holly. "Please, let's not insult any more idiots, ok?"

"So how much time do we have to get this so-called "_mysterious document_"?" Jacquel asked.

"You have exactly 24 hours," said Foaly.

"WHAT???" Artemis cried out. "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE HAVE 24 BLOODY HOURS TO FIND THE BLOODY DOCUMENT??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???"

"Calm down, Artemis," said Butler. "A lot can happen in 24 hours. Just like on the TV show."

"Oh God, don't get me started on that TV show, ok?" Jacquel cried out. "I hate it! Those damn Americans and their damn excuse for crap doesn't even fly in my book!"

Draco said, "Well, well, well, looks like somebody misses Jan. Does she want him to hold her?"

Jacquel slapped her brother across his face.

Holly said, "We need to get started now if we want to get to the document. I'll go find Harry and the others, and Foaly, you can set up operations."

"And what are we to do?" cried Artemis.

"You're a genius, you think of something!" yelled Draco.

"You better watch yourself, Draco," said Artemis. "You know not of what you're dealing with here."

"No, YOU watch it, Fowl," said Draco. "You're just as fake as your mother."

The two angry boys fought and argued and they didn't see Jacquel or Mulch take off. They walked right into a wardrobe and into a mysterious world. And a boy named Edmund Pevensie was just about to show up. Too bad instead of meeting up with the White Witch he met up with Jacquel Romanov instead...

Holly said, "Would you two boys PLEASE STOP FIGHTING long enough to listen to what Foaly has to say?"

Foaly said, "What we are looking for, I shall code it _Red_ _October_."

"Like the _Red October_? Like in that movie?" cried Artemis.

"No, Mud Boy," said Foaly. "Not like the movie." Draco snickered at that nickname. "Anyway, this _Red October_ holds a valuable clue to Jacquel's identity..."

"It's _Jacquelyn_ now," Artemis frowned. "Not Jacquel. Lucius has exclusively forbidden us to call her that ever again."

"Or we'll give her a code name," said Holly. "What about _Honeysuckle_?"

"More like _Rosebud_," said Butler. "Quaint, simple, and to the point. We'll use Rosebud to refer to _her_."

"Perfect," said Foaly. "So we'll hunt for our red October and find out the story about a rosebud. Holly, take off; you've less than 3 hours to bring our friend here."

"Or we can meet in a less conspicuous place, like in a public setting," said Butler. "I will scout out such a place."

Meanwhile, in Narnia, Jacquel said, "Mulch, what are you doing here?"

"Well, the boys got a bit boring, so I joined you."

"And Holly?" Jacquel narrowed her eyes.

"She's just one of the guys," said Mulch. "Almost nothing feminine about her."

Jacquel frowned at Mulch and walked into Edmund. She said, "And where are you going? Don't tell me; I know who you are. You're going to see the White Witch, aren't you?"

"Well," said Edmund.

"Don't even waste your time," said Mulch. "She doesn't have time to waste on foolish little boys like you."

"Who's there!" cried a voice.

"Crap! We've been busted!" cried Jacquel. "Mulch, you better get us outta here and in a major hurry!"

"Don't you worry, missy," said Mulch. "I have a plan." And pulling down his bum flap, he directed Jacquel to squeeze his toe.

She said, "Look, Mulch, this plan of yours had better work."

"Don't worry, it will," said Mulch.

"What exactly are you doing anyway?" Jacquel asked.

Mulch said, "Remember that scene in_ Monty Python & the Holy Grail_ where that mean knight says "_I fart in your general direction_"?"

Jacquel nodded. "You mean you're going to..." Then she understood. "Oh God, please don't tell me your actually going to do it!"

"I do," said Mulch. Then he grabbed Jacquel and Edmund and took off, farting in the White Witch's general direction. The White Witch screamed in anger. As the trio whirled past the remaining Pevensies, Peter said, "Hey, isn't that Edmund?"

Susan gasped. "That girl has the White Witch's wand!"

"Let's stop them!" cried Lucy. So they took off and headed for the wardrobe.

But as for Jacquel, Edmund,, and Mulch, they didn't get back to Malfoy Manor. In fact, they had ended up in a whole new place...

* * *

Yeah yeah I know I know it took me forever, but I have a life too. But anyway, another chapter will be arriving soon!

So review & subscribe!


	6. For Bitter or First

Here is Chapter 4!

* * *

Chapter 4: **For Bitter or First**

Now we go back to Artemis and Draco as they continued to argue over what to do next.

"Well," said Artemis, "I say we go after him!"

"And I say you're an idiot!"

As the boys argued, Holly frowned and went to stare at some very old portraits of members of the Malfoy family. _Those two are such Malfoys_, she thought to herself as she flitted from one portrait to another. _Such utter, pathetic Malfoys_.

Meanwhile, Jacquel, Mulch, and Edmund found themselves in the remains of a burned out house. They had no idea where they were. Mulch said, "Do you think I took a wrong turn at that last tree?"

"Well," said Jacquel, "it wasn't like we had much time for that. Remember, we were trying to escape from the White Witch."

"Pretty nifty of me to fart in her general direction, eh?" said Mulch.

"That was disrespectful," Edmund snapped.

"But why?" cried Mulch.

"Because that's no way to behave in front of a lady," Edmund snapped again.

Mulch was about to respond when Jacquel said, "C'mon, guys. We don't have time for this crap. Let's figure out how to get back home."

Klaus Baudelaire was watching them as he hid among his burned out possessions. He, Violet, and Sunny were hiding at the former Baudelaire mansion, which had been burned to the ground some time ago and killed their parents. Violet said to him, "I think we have guests."

"I think so too," said Klaus.

"Gah!" cried Sunny, which meant "_I don't think they're guests. I think they're trying to leave_."

"Well, let's see where they're going," said Klaus.

Jacquel led Mulch and Edmund to several doors and said, "You led us here, Mulch Diggums, now take us home!" Mulch frowned and then opened the center door, which in that case took them straight to Harry's house.

Violet wasn't stupid, but she did she a door open. "Quickly now," she hissed, "before it closes again!" She, Klaus, and Sunny rushed towards the door as it closed.

Artemis frowned and then said, "Something is amiss."

"Or _a miss_ hasn't showed up," said Holly.

"You don't think she..." Draco began.

"Stupid Mulch," Foaly frowned. "He disappeared and Jacquel's with him."

Harry was sitting in his room when he saw Jacquel, Mulch, and Edmund fall out. "How'd you get here so fast?" He cried out.

"Long story," said Jacquel. "Don't ask."

And as for Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, they ended up in a room with a strange old man sitting in a wheelchair. He said, "Yay! Look Harold, new students! They have come to study with us at Bloor's!"

"Uh, this is bad, isn't it?" Klaus whispered to his sisters. They nodded.

* * *

I'm in the process of finishing up any Harry Potter fanfiction story I'm currently writing right now because I'm find of finished with that fandom.

But anyway, be on the lookout for another chapter!

So review & subscribe!


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